...

Oct. 2nd, 2012 07:15 pm
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (pic#3811978)
I have had nothing to say for a while now.

Part of this is that I am working through my final year of undergrad. But a big part is that I have been struggling through an increasingly devastating bout of depression that has stuck me absolutely dumb.

The funniest part was, I didn't know I was depressed. I just thought I was in a bad mood. All the time. Never mind that I stopped writing, reading, drawing, and sometimes even going outside. Never mind that I haven't actually been excited or enthusiastic about something in what seems like an eternity. Never mind that I stopped sleeping or started to resent eating. The list of blatant signs and symptoms goes on and on, but I was blind to it.

I buried a lot of my issues under my cosplay projects, working week after week on something that I had once thought meaningful. And then the day of the convention dawned and I found myself wandering around, snapping at people that I had not seen in months and genuinely missed, irritable and strangely sad during what was normally the most exciting and invigorating weekend of my entire year. I came back even more of a mess.

I have realized that a great deal of my symptoms stem from detoxing from my usual medication. I made the mistake of thinking that, after years of regular use, I could just take or leave it with no ill effects. Well, I've experienced the ill effects for months and am now taking my usual regimen again.

I am now facing down a lot of pressures about how I was living, before my downward spiral. My mother does not like the fact that I take medication, and spent a lot of my younger years fighting against getting me tested for any disorders. I can see her side, but when she started railing against my alcohol consumption (which I now know I was using as a coping mechanism), I realized that being "all-natural" was a great ideal, but unobtainable for me.

I also was greatly affected by the series of essays written by lazulisong and sami, called The Things You Say. In these essays, the author speaks out against fandom and the media and their usage of ADHD as a vehicle for spastic and quirky characters; specifically Stiles Stilinski in Teen Wolf. They are very soul-baring and powerful, but also very limited in their scope. One of the essays is the confession of a woman who suffers from ADHD hyperactive disorder, and how using the drug Adderall has affected her life. But she seems to think that her reaction to the drug is the reaction. If you believe you suffer from ADHD, but Adderall does not affect you in the manner she describes? Then you're wrong.

This clearly is not the spirit of the essays, which are great resources for writers who have little to no experience or contact with Stiles' specific disorder. But what I read is that because I have a different kind of ADHD (inattentive, not hyperactive), I should never have been prescribed with the medication that has changed my life. In my normal state, such an opinion would mean little to me. But in my altered state, this felt like a condemnation. I was a fraud and did not deserve the treatment that I was receiving.

And then I began to question myself. What if I was really just undisciplined? What if I imagined my symptoms and struggles, magnifying them with the lens of retrospection? What if I just had to make myself become the person I wanted to be? When you hate yourself, it is nearly impossible to argue with your own brutal logic.

So, I stopped filling my prescriptions. I ignored calls from my psychiatrist and brushed off appointments. It didn't seem to matter. I'd snap out of my funk; I just had to want it enough.

But, it didn't work. Months slipped by and I was still bitter, unhappy, and restless. The only time I felt like my old self was when I was drinking, so I started doing that a lot.

Then, I had to do a stupid class assignment that involved art therapy. I did not want to do it. I had abandoned art years ago. What good would this do?

But it was for a grade, so I did it. The assignment was to draw something. Anything. Resigned, I clicked around the internet to see if there was even the slightest spark of inspiration left in me. I found an image that was interesting and not to difficult to reproduce. So I started to draw.

And then something weird happened. I kind of enjoyed myself.

Please understand, this wasn't an emotion that I had felt for a long, long time. It was almost alien, enjoying something so simple, something that I had once spurned as tedious and pretentious. But that assignment stripped away all of the trappings that come with creativity, removing the pressure to create "art". It was just a doodle- something to turn in at the end of the day. And I had fun doing it.

In the end, I taped the picture up on the wall of my office, so everyone could see it. It wasn't great. It wasn't art. But I smiled every time I looked at it.

That brief levity ultimately led me to casually Google searching the symptoms of Adderall detox, so sure that I had dodged that bullet with my less-than-recommended dosage regimen and cold-turkey abstinence. And there I found everything that I had been experiencing for months on end, from the irritability to the vicious stomach cramps. Finally, things were starting to make sense.

I'm still in the process of getting back to the person I used to be. I may need even more "undeserved" medication to help combat any relapses, and I certainly need to call my shrink back... But I finally understand what Jenny Lawson of The Bloggess meant when she said that depression lies. It is a vicious, deplorable cycle that makes every bad thing you think and feel all. your. fault. And it so is not.

So, here I am, rambling about my feelings on an internet journal, again, which is as good a way to start as any.
zfreelance: (Drunk)
It's 2:20PM and I'm drunk.

Suck it, Monday.
zfreelance: (Shadow Monster)
Dear Week from Hell,

Suck it.

No love,
z

And also:



AND NOW FOR THE BOOZE.

...

Dec. 6th, 2011 05:15 pm
zfreelance: (Guns and Booze)
I have come to a realization. And that realization is: It is never too early to start drinking wine right out of the bottle.

Update: I have been drinking since 11AM. Today has been very productive.
zfreelance: (Guns and Booze)
Say what you like about drinking, as a mechanism for stress release it has no equal.
zfreelance: (Guns and Booze)
Four Bud Light Limes in my fridge?!

IT'S A PARTY
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Default)
THREE THINGS I NEED TO NOT DO ANYMORE:

01. Spam my friends with Bluntcard.com e-cards

02. This:



03. AND THIS:





I AM ABSOLUTELY DRUNK, THANKS FOR ASKING.

...

Oct. 30th, 2010 11:35 pm
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (I Lie)
Mac and cheese and California champagne and Hawaii Five-0.

I am a classy bitch.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Boom)
AHAHAHA [livejournal.com profile] zece IS LEGAL BITCHES.

THIS CALLS FOR DRUNKEN REVELRY AND BAD DECISIONS.


HAVE A GOOD ONE, BITCH.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Not Today!)
Dear Mondays:

You suck. Go die.

No love,
Z


Dear Chem II Lab Partner:

DEODORANT. USE IT, MOTHERFUCKER.

I will hold you down and bathe you in 7M carbonic acid, I swear to God,
Z


Dear Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka:

You can stay.

I can't feel my lips,
Z
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (It was more fun in hell)
His Lordship Makes a Match by [livejournal.com profile] jibrailis
Fandom: Inception (2010)
Rating: NC-17


I'M SO SORRY, BUT I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF HOW AWESOME EAMES/ARTHUR REGENCY FIC IS.

ALSO, I MAY OR MAY NOT BE INTOXICATED.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Epic Shit)
Oh my God, I'm going to write up Dragon*Con, I swear.

But I first have to say, Inception slash and American Honey go together SO well.

Also, TvTropes.org is probably what hell looks like. If hell were geeky, amusing, and addicting like crack. Which is actually how I imagine it, some days...
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Fuck Everything)
So, I was working all day today. My boss came in towards the end of my shift and went, "Geez, you're still here? Don't you have a life?" And as she left, she advised me to run out and do something wild and fun when I got off.

So I went to Walmart and bought Manischewitz and a giant Kit Kat.

This is my life. This is what I do on a Saturday night.
zfreelance: (BEAR HUG)
I hate losing track of how many drinks I've had. I'll go to the fridge and find that, instead of two more beers, I have only one.

Alternatively, I have been known to lose track in the opposite direction and open my fridge to the pleasant surprise of an extra bottle of liquid stress relief.

I love being 21.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Not Today!)
Mike's Pink Lemonade, Castle Age, and Supernatural.

FRIDAY, YOU ARE NOW MY BITCH.



I am not, however, an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. Just so you know.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Never love a Wild Thing)
21. Do any of your characters have children? How well do you write them?

Well, one of my characters recently got knocked up, I've discovered, but we've yet to meet the offspring. I predict, however, normal baby shenanigans.
Other than that, no. My characters tend to be loner-type 20-somethings with no patience for children of their own.


In rl news, a late night bender, a sleepless night afterward, and Adderall in the afternoon does an interesting work day make.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Never love a Wild Thing)
I talk too much when I'm drunk. ::buries face in hands::

It should be a rule that someone hides my phone from me so I won't make annoying, tearful confessions via text message.

...

shut up and watch the puppy

zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Never love a Wild Thing)
I turned off my phone last night, drank a six pack of Mikes, and slept until 2pm. It was glorious.

I have since sat on my ass and watched ungodly amounts of Criminal Minds while swearing to myself that when I finish this series, I will catch up on Supernatural, I swear to the baby Jesus, omg.

My current addictions now include:
- Hotch's man!pain
- Hotch's TEARS
- Reid's FACE
- Reid's HAIR
- Reid SUCKING ON A LOLLIPOP OUT OF THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH
- REID'S EVERYTHING
- Florence + The Machine
- Tom McRae

In less than six hours, I will have to be up and dealing with people.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Witch)
Hungover with cramps.

That's new.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Mask)
My day has been a mess of over-priced and under-appreciated vices. Vive la universite.

Profile

zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Default)
UNICORN MAGIC

October 2012

S M T W T F S
 1 2 3 456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031   

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 23rd, 2017 02:12 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios