Oct. 7th, 2012 05:58 am
zfreelance: (Peace!)
Well, that lasted all of two days.

I don't know if I'm going to come back to this, in truth. If I do, awesome. But right now, I don't have the energy.

So, peace.


Oct. 4th, 2012 07:35 pm
zfreelance: (Watch the World Burn)
In the time I have attended my university, we have had:

- A rapist who would pose as a plainclothes police officer and molest the women he pulled over
- A suspected murderer running around in the woods
- A series of missing/suicidal people who were suspected to have ended up in the woods
- Some sort of secret society/cult have weird-ass rituals in the nature preserve behind campus, who then later vandalized campus to advertise their "secret" society
- A storage locker that was found to have been full of human organs (like human hearts being kept in Polar Ice cups full of formaldehyde)
- And now they may have found human bones on our nature trail

I'm almost positive that my school has been built on the Hellmouth.


Oct. 4th, 2012 07:33 pm
zfreelance: (Dancing Bitches)
30 Day Asexual Challenge

Day 02: Are you out? To whom?

I am out to a few of my siblings and many of my friends. I don't announce it because I don't feel like explaining it over and over again, but the people I have told have mostly nodded and said, "that makes sense."
zfreelance: (Cool Stuff Weird Things)
In light of my recent difficulties, I am giving myself a reason to continue to post on a regualr basis. And that reason is

The 30 Day Asexuality Challenge

I could post this on one of my other social media sites, but that defeats the purpose of rekindling my desire to write (especially here). So, here we go.


Day 01: What is your romantic/sexual orientation?

I am an aromantic asexual. The 'asexual' part means that I have no desire to engage in any form of sexual activity with anyone, regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation. The 'aromantic' part means that I feel no desire to date or form romantic attachments.

This does not mean that I am incapable of love, but it's the love one feels for a family member or a friend. So I will still cut you if you mess with them.


Oct. 2nd, 2012 07:15 pm
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (pic#3811978)
I have had nothing to say for a while now.

Part of this is that I am working through my final year of undergrad. But a big part is that I have been struggling through an increasingly devastating bout of depression that has stuck me absolutely dumb.

The funniest part was, I didn't know I was depressed. I just thought I was in a bad mood. All the time. Never mind that I stopped writing, reading, drawing, and sometimes even going outside. Never mind that I haven't actually been excited or enthusiastic about something in what seems like an eternity. Never mind that I stopped sleeping or started to resent eating. The list of blatant signs and symptoms goes on and on, but I was blind to it.

I buried a lot of my issues under my cosplay projects, working week after week on something that I had once thought meaningful. And then the day of the convention dawned and I found myself wandering around, snapping at people that I had not seen in months and genuinely missed, irritable and strangely sad during what was normally the most exciting and invigorating weekend of my entire year. I came back even more of a mess.

I have realized that a great deal of my symptoms stem from detoxing from my usual medication. I made the mistake of thinking that, after years of regular use, I could just take or leave it with no ill effects. Well, I've experienced the ill effects for months and am now taking my usual regimen again.

I am now facing down a lot of pressures about how I was living, before my downward spiral. My mother does not like the fact that I take medication, and spent a lot of my younger years fighting against getting me tested for any disorders. I can see her side, but when she started railing against my alcohol consumption (which I now know I was using as a coping mechanism), I realized that being "all-natural" was a great ideal, but unobtainable for me.

I also was greatly affected by the series of essays written by lazulisong and sami, called The Things You Say. In these essays, the author speaks out against fandom and the media and their usage of ADHD as a vehicle for spastic and quirky characters; specifically Stiles Stilinski in Teen Wolf. They are very soul-baring and powerful, but also very limited in their scope. One of the essays is the confession of a woman who suffers from ADHD hyperactive disorder, and how using the drug Adderall has affected her life. But she seems to think that her reaction to the drug is the reaction. If you believe you suffer from ADHD, but Adderall does not affect you in the manner she describes? Then you're wrong.

This clearly is not the spirit of the essays, which are great resources for writers who have little to no experience or contact with Stiles' specific disorder. But what I read is that because I have a different kind of ADHD (inattentive, not hyperactive), I should never have been prescribed with the medication that has changed my life. In my normal state, such an opinion would mean little to me. But in my altered state, this felt like a condemnation. I was a fraud and did not deserve the treatment that I was receiving.

And then I began to question myself. What if I was really just undisciplined? What if I imagined my symptoms and struggles, magnifying them with the lens of retrospection? What if I just had to make myself become the person I wanted to be? When you hate yourself, it is nearly impossible to argue with your own brutal logic.

So, I stopped filling my prescriptions. I ignored calls from my psychiatrist and brushed off appointments. It didn't seem to matter. I'd snap out of my funk; I just had to want it enough.

But, it didn't work. Months slipped by and I was still bitter, unhappy, and restless. The only time I felt like my old self was when I was drinking, so I started doing that a lot.

Then, I had to do a stupid class assignment that involved art therapy. I did not want to do it. I had abandoned art years ago. What good would this do?

But it was for a grade, so I did it. The assignment was to draw something. Anything. Resigned, I clicked around the internet to see if there was even the slightest spark of inspiration left in me. I found an image that was interesting and not to difficult to reproduce. So I started to draw.

And then something weird happened. I kind of enjoyed myself.

Please understand, this wasn't an emotion that I had felt for a long, long time. It was almost alien, enjoying something so simple, something that I had once spurned as tedious and pretentious. But that assignment stripped away all of the trappings that come with creativity, removing the pressure to create "art". It was just a doodle- something to turn in at the end of the day. And I had fun doing it.

In the end, I taped the picture up on the wall of my office, so everyone could see it. It wasn't great. It wasn't art. But I smiled every time I looked at it.

That brief levity ultimately led me to casually Google searching the symptoms of Adderall detox, so sure that I had dodged that bullet with my less-than-recommended dosage regimen and cold-turkey abstinence. And there I found everything that I had been experiencing for months on end, from the irritability to the vicious stomach cramps. Finally, things were starting to make sense.

I'm still in the process of getting back to the person I used to be. I may need even more "undeserved" medication to help combat any relapses, and I certainly need to call my shrink back... But I finally understand what Jenny Lawson of The Bloggess meant when she said that depression lies. It is a vicious, deplorable cycle that makes every bad thing you think and feel all. your. fault. And it so is not.

So, here I am, rambling about my feelings on an internet journal, again, which is as good a way to start as any.
zfreelance: (Cool Stuff Weird Things)
Cash Out, Get the Hell Out of Town by twentysomething
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Gabriel/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Summary: He tries to asses the situation, but he is completely incapable of figuring out a situation where Gabriel should be wearing an Elvis suit on top of him and he feels like someone is trying to rape his skull, but- oh. There's a feather boa wrapped around his calf. Well, at least he's not entirely naked.

::lol forever::
zfreelance: (Shadow Monster)
When I'm reading books or fanfic, I find myself getting up to wander or opening a new internet tab pretty much mid-sentence.

And fucking forget about watching anything on TV.

I think I need to up my dosage, because my attention span is getting non-existent.


Aug. 1st, 2012 09:42 pm
zfreelance: (Watch the World Burn)
Sweet Christ, I would love it if everyone shut the hell up about Chick-Fla. The CEO's are assholes. I think this is a pre-requisite to becoming a CEO in the first place. But that doesn't make the sandwiches any less tasty.

I mean, fuck, you want to boycott? Have a blast! That'll show 'em. But hell, I think it would be a lot more effective to eat that shit wearing the biggest, most flamboyant getup you can get through the doorway, because that? Sends a message.

I support gay rights, etc etc. But I also support freedom of speech and fast food. So quit blowing up my god damn social media.
zfreelance: (YAY)

BIG PIMPIN'! (aka female!Anders)

... seriously considering going around the con like this...

Here's the rest of it. Ignore the idiot wearing it. She's too retarded to live, sometimes.

I have the feathers to make the jacket TRULY Big Pimpin', but haven't stitched them on, because I am elbows deep in finishing Isabela's costume before I have to go back to school.



Jul. 22nd, 2012 11:57 pm
zfreelance: (Fucking rabbit...)
So, it turns out that the original artist of the Anders costume I was imitating has requested that no one cosplay with her designs.


Fuck off, it's MY design. You just posted your shit on deviantart. Did you invent Rule 63?

Then shut up.


Jul. 21st, 2012 08:59 pm
zfreelance: (Meanwhile)
Did my first battle with the sewing machine today. I was somewhat victorious.

Today was a good day.
zfreelance: (Peace!)
The Great Big Cosplay WIP Post )


Also: If the photos end up looking needlessly massive, blame Photobucket. I can't get it to work right.


Jul. 10th, 2012 10:39 am
zfreelance: (Tonight: YOU)
Cosplay continues apace. For my birthday, my magnificent parents purchased for me my wig, removing a big-ticket item from my to-do list. <3

However, one step forward and holy shit the bleach turned my overcoat orange.

So, there is that.



Jun. 27th, 2012 03:32 pm
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Default)

and then i died laughing

like cain

Jun. 24th, 2012 10:51 pm
zfreelance: (We Find Wildness)
So, [personal profile] zeccy once asked me what I would do if we all suddenly found out that we only had one last day to live.

I'm sure the movie "Seeking Friend For The End of the World" has very witty and poignant things to say about the subject (even though I can't shake the feeling that this is just an American romcom remake of Last Night), but I have no plans on seeing that damn film, so.

I sat there for a minute, contemplating the usual answers: eating all the Krispie Kremes, lazing on the beach, drinking, carousing, and whatnot. And then I remembered my default zombie apocalypse plan, which is to jack the nicest car on the lot and drive till I run out of road. And that sounded pretty awesome.

And then I got excited by the thought of every major highway becoming a new Audubon, with all the fiery car crashes and high speed chases that a girl could want. Because fuck it. We're all gonna bite it come the next day, so why not go out trying for the land speed record?



Jun. 19th, 2012 08:16 pm
zfreelance: (Cool Stuff Weird Things)
How To Be Classy In 3 Easy Steps

1) Open this tab
2) Open this tab
3) Open this tab

And that's how I roll.
zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Default)
Patsy Decline by mustinvestigate
Fandom: Fallout: New Vegas
Pairing: fCourier/Benny
Summary: Post-apocalyptia really needs to rediscover latex.

I have not cried from laughing in a really long time, but fuck if I didn't wake my parents up doing just that.


Jun. 13th, 2012 04:56 pm
zfreelance: (Meanwhile)
Noooot dead. Just cosplaying.

I've started looking around for the components for the two costumes I'm making for this year's Dragon*Con, and brainstorming about how I'm going to make everything work.

My finalized plan is to create an Isabela costume from Dragon Age 2 for my wifey, [profile] zece as well as a female Anders costume for myself.

Isabela is happening because of reasons, and I'm genderbending one of my favorite characters because I fucking feel like it. I shaved my head for authenticity last year, so all the purists can just blow me.

Honestly, I'm having a lot of fun planning my costume because it frees me from having to be absolutely accurate. And now I'm going to use this freedom to turn around and try to be as accurate as possible, while tailoring everything to accommodate boobs and hips and the like.

There's a lot to be done, but I'm taking it one step at a time and utilizing found objects like a motherfucker. Plus, if I have time, I want to try my hand at making props, which should be pretty interesting.

Basically, it's official. I am one of those cosplay people...


Jun. 2nd, 2012 06:41 pm
zfreelance: (Watch the World Burn)
Holy fuck, Pinnacle Whipped vodka, White Zinfindel, and Strawberry Fanta makes the best drink EVER. My wife, [profile] zece, kidnapped me to Orlando for the weekend and we have been fucked up since 5pm.

Life is pretty fucking awesome.


zfreelance: (<lj site="livejournal.com"  user="timepunching">) (Default)

October 2012

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