UNICORN MAGIC (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zfreelance) wrote2008-03-17 10:42 am
zfreelance) wrote2008-03-17 10:42 am
I'm actually gonna talk about me right now.
Hedonistic, aint it?
Anyway, I'm cutting it because its mostly about angst, wanderlust, and general frustrations with mankind. I'd actually suggest not reading it because, while I'm not naming names, I am talking about people. And you may get upset.
Fair warning.
So. From what I hear about home, everything is changing. And everyone for that matter. My mother is re-decorating the house, which includes new carpet. My siblings are getting older, and going through things that I may have already, or never have and don't understand. My friends are doing things all on their own that, quite frankly, scare me. And despite all of my frustration at being stuck in one place, I'm not too sure I really want to go home.
I've read a lot about people who did what I'm doing, hitting the road the moment you can. And from what I hear, you can never really go home again. I'm beginning to see that. Because I can't go back to what I was. Before I left, I was a timid, dependant kid. Now I'm pretty sure that I could strike out on my own right here and now, and manage just fine. I'm never going to be able to live at home again. That much is clear. I'm not even sure I'd be able to live in Tallahassee. It's just too small. Theres too many people there convinced that the town is the be-all-and-end-all of the universe.
Part of that is indeed the fact that its small. I ran out of things to do there in high school, let alone what I'd do in college. To consider going back to that mind-numbing cycle of labor, partying, labor, partying... I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I wouldn't be working towards anything more than the next day, my next paycheck, my retirement fund and my eventual DEATH.
Another part is the people. People I've known for years, people I've seen for ever. People who have not changed through that entire course of time, and will not change. And they wouldn't understand why I would want to.
The only scenario I can foresee where I could tolerate Tallahassee for any length of time would be me hitting the road every weekend, driving as far as I can, and camping during the nights, seeing as many new places and things as humanly possible, before eventually slunking back into town to be smothered by familiarity once more. And on long vacations, forget it. I'd put as many states between me and the place I know as I could, for as long as I could.
Of all the people I know, my mother would understand this mindset best. She loves to wander, and had done it since childhood. And she got me hooked on camping. (I warn you guys now, it is an addiction. You'll look out the window one day in the middle of class/work/whatever and find yourself thinking, 'I wish I were campig right now.' Its for life.) She is all for getting me out of town, something I will not be able to do fast enough. She knows what its like to not be able to go home again, and that you don't want to. I may never be comfortable at home ever again. I don't have a home anymore. And I don't want one.
The downside of this is that people you know and love can and do change while you're gone. And you don't recognize what they've become when you wander back. And its scary, because you're not at all sure that what they've become is right, or healthy, or anything good. You don't know what made them do this, think that. You weren't there. And you kind of burn inside because you wish you could explain to them that there is so much more than this. So much that would make the center of their worlds look insignificant. So much that they're throwing away without even realizing it. They're getting tied down to one spot, one situation, before they could even realize what they could become.
I wonder if people will recognize me when I get back. I look the same. Well, I'm growing my hair out...
So, the point of all of this is to remind myself not to rush back to the States. While I'm here, everything is unknown, anything could happen. Back there... From here, its a predictable pattern that I'll have to run hard and fast to break out of. And it doesn't really seem that fun right now.
So, today's date is March 17, which makes it 3 months, 3 days till my triumphant return. 95 days even. (And Mandi was right, I do get back on the 20th.)
Lets make it count, shall we?
I need a Hitchiker's Guide icon.
Anyway, I'm cutting it because its mostly about angst, wanderlust, and general frustrations with mankind. I'd actually suggest not reading it because, while I'm not naming names, I am talking about people. And you may get upset.
Fair warning.
So. From what I hear about home, everything is changing. And everyone for that matter. My mother is re-decorating the house, which includes new carpet. My siblings are getting older, and going through things that I may have already, or never have and don't understand. My friends are doing things all on their own that, quite frankly, scare me. And despite all of my frustration at being stuck in one place, I'm not too sure I really want to go home.
I've read a lot about people who did what I'm doing, hitting the road the moment you can. And from what I hear, you can never really go home again. I'm beginning to see that. Because I can't go back to what I was. Before I left, I was a timid, dependant kid. Now I'm pretty sure that I could strike out on my own right here and now, and manage just fine. I'm never going to be able to live at home again. That much is clear. I'm not even sure I'd be able to live in Tallahassee. It's just too small. Theres too many people there convinced that the town is the be-all-and-end-all of the universe.
Part of that is indeed the fact that its small. I ran out of things to do there in high school, let alone what I'd do in college. To consider going back to that mind-numbing cycle of labor, partying, labor, partying... I couldn't do it. I can't do it. I wouldn't be working towards anything more than the next day, my next paycheck, my retirement fund and my eventual DEATH.
Another part is the people. People I've known for years, people I've seen for ever. People who have not changed through that entire course of time, and will not change. And they wouldn't understand why I would want to.
The only scenario I can foresee where I could tolerate Tallahassee for any length of time would be me hitting the road every weekend, driving as far as I can, and camping during the nights, seeing as many new places and things as humanly possible, before eventually slunking back into town to be smothered by familiarity once more. And on long vacations, forget it. I'd put as many states between me and the place I know as I could, for as long as I could.
Of all the people I know, my mother would understand this mindset best. She loves to wander, and had done it since childhood. And she got me hooked on camping. (I warn you guys now, it is an addiction. You'll look out the window one day in the middle of class/work/whatever and find yourself thinking, 'I wish I were campig right now.' Its for life.) She is all for getting me out of town, something I will not be able to do fast enough. She knows what its like to not be able to go home again, and that you don't want to. I may never be comfortable at home ever again. I don't have a home anymore. And I don't want one.
The downside of this is that people you know and love can and do change while you're gone. And you don't recognize what they've become when you wander back. And its scary, because you're not at all sure that what they've become is right, or healthy, or anything good. You don't know what made them do this, think that. You weren't there. And you kind of burn inside because you wish you could explain to them that there is so much more than this. So much that would make the center of their worlds look insignificant. So much that they're throwing away without even realizing it. They're getting tied down to one spot, one situation, before they could even realize what they could become.
I wonder if people will recognize me when I get back. I look the same. Well, I'm growing my hair out...
So, the point of all of this is to remind myself not to rush back to the States. While I'm here, everything is unknown, anything could happen. Back there... From here, its a predictable pattern that I'll have to run hard and fast to break out of. And it doesn't really seem that fun right now.
So, today's date is March 17, which makes it 3 months, 3 days till my triumphant return. 95 days even. (And Mandi was right, I do get back on the 20th.)
Lets make it count, shall we?
I need a Hitchiker's Guide icon.