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I like this movie. A lot. And I am no Cleolinda. But this movie bears mocking.
Army of Darkness
ASH: Hey, kids! Remember me? Well, I'm AshKetchum and I'm a slave in ancient Sumaria! Kinky, I know. Well, it all started when my girlfriend and I decided to go back in time and completely rewrite the Evil Dead concept from scratch, eliminating three other people from the plot who would have been casualties anyway! Who needs 'em, right? Anyway, we went up to this cabin, and my girlfriend bit it. After a bout of Dr. Strangelove Syndrome, I sawed off my own hand and replaced it with a chainsaw to better fight off the legions of the evil dead that I awakened by listening to a tape reading from the Necronomicon. One thing led to another (in a very general fashion) and I was sucked into a rip in time and space, somehow developing acting skills along the way!
::dramatic representation::
ASH: SHIIIIIIIT! ::falls from sky along with his friend Sam's car and a random tree::
::lands::
NATIVES ON HORSEBACK: A man! Falling from the sky! Let's get him!
ASH: Aw, fuck me...
::end dramatic representation::
ASH: So, here I am, chained up and whipped along with a whole bunch a other guys that I've never seen before in my life.
BUNCH A OTHER GUYS: Dude, where'd you come from?
LORD FANCYPANTS: Silence! ::cracks whip::
WISEMAN: ::covets the shiny chainsaw::
::enter the Castle So-Not-A-Model-Really::
ASH: Dude, wtf?
ANGRY VILLAGERS: Lets heap abuse, shall we? :kicks, flings stuff, and generally makes the prisoners feel uncomfortable about their current situation:
LADY EMOSLUT: My Lord Fancypants, what hast happened to my brother?
FANCYPANTS: Yeah, your brother. Him. Good guy. Owed me money. Got killed yesterday, real sorry. Here, theres the guys who did it! :points:
EMOSLUT: SONUVABITCH! :heaps further abuse:
ASH: WHY?!
::the prisoners are driven to The Pit::
RED HENRY: Well, shit. Hey, who are you, anyhow?
ASH: Sorry, what? Kinda occupied by the thought of painful death, here.
RED HENRY: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
ASH: Yeah, thats great. I'd call you Fancypants, but Blondie over there has that one covered.
BLONDIEFANCYPANTS: There is an evil in this land. It runs around, breaking levees and possessing hands, and you, Red Henry, are running around, making war and stuff!
RED HENRY: You started it!
FANCYPANTS: Did not!
RED HENRY: Did too! And we have undead infestations, same as you!
ANGRY VILLAGER 1: Yeah, but you look like the undead!
ANGRY VILLAGER 2: Yeah!
THE REST: YEAH!
FANCYPANTS: And with that impeccable logic, I sentance you to The Pit!
ANGRY VILLAGERS: YAY!
ASH: Jesus.
::an UNLUCKY EXAMPLE is pushed into The Pit::
UNLUCKY EXAMPLE: NOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo- :splash:
ANGRY VILLAGERS: ::lean in::
::FOUNTAIN OF BLOOD!::
ANGRY VILLAGERS: Heavenly God! That was unexpected!
FANCYPANTS: Right. Well. You next.
ASH: You know, thanks, but no.
FANCYPANTS: In you go.
ASH: Hey, I just fell from the sky here, I don't even know these guys!
RED HENRY: You know, he really doesn't-
EMOSLUT: IN THE PIT! ::casts stone::
::ASH falls in a very graceful manner into The Pit. Lots of water and creepy smoke effects.::
ASH: I HATE YOU ALL.
DEAD GUY: RAWR! ::epic breakdancing fight scene::
FANCYPANTS: He's not dying fast enough. Lets add spikes.
::spikes begin to close in as ASH and DEAD GUY are locked in very ripped, tanned, and wet-shirted mortal combat::
WISEMAN: Hey, new guy! Deus Ex Machina! ::tosses down chainsaw::
ASH: WONDERTWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE! ::chainsaws liberally::
::wins and makes with the escaping::
DEAD GUY 2: Lolz, fakeout, bitch!
ASH: Fuck this noise! ::climbs out of The Pit and squares up to FANCYPANTS:: Shoe laces are untied.
FANCYPANTS: Those haven't been invented ye- ::moneyshot to the face::
ASH: WHO ELSE WANTS SOME? ::crickets:: 'S what I thought. Hey, Red Guy. Fuck off.
RED HENRY: Sweet! ::scurries::
FANCYPANTS: Draw ur sword!
ASH: ::shoots sword::
FANCYPANTS: Okay. Right you are, then.
ASH: Listen up! This is mah boomstick! Its sexy and kickass, and you can't have it! And if you piss me off- ::shoots DEAD GUY 2:: I employ my magical reloading powers and pump you fulla holes! Got that?
ANGRY VILLAGERS: ::get it::
::scene change to scantily clad women worshiping Bruce Campbell's bod, because you gotta admit. The man is ripped.::
EMOSLUT: Oh great warrior, when I struck you, I did not realize that thou wer-
ASH: Blow. ::actual line::
WISEMAN: Hey, new guy. Look, the getting you home thing? Its sort of a 'do-it-yourself' kinda deal. We need the Necronomicon, and you gotta go get it.
ASH: Thats not the answer I was looking for.
EVIL WOMAN: You'll never have the Necronomicon, bitchez! ::is boomsticked::
ASH: Quest it is, then.
::briefIronman scene of Metallurgy 101::
ASH: ::finetunes his new Dr. Claw Sumarian Special::
EMOSLUT: Made you a shirt.
ASH: Great, awesome, gtfo.
EMOSLUT: ::slaps him and flounces off::
ASH: '80s movie logic translates this to a comeon!
::cue lovescene::
::The next morning, ASH and a couple other dudes depart on horseback::
WISEMAN: Look, this is as far as we go. You gotta go into a cemetery, and get the Necronomicon.
ASH: Great, okay.
WISEMAN: And then, to save yourself from untold torture and horror, before you pick up the book, you have to say, 'Clotu-'
ASH: READYSETGOSEEYASUCKERS! ::gallops off::
::ASH encounters trademark EVIL TREES::
HORSE: DO NOT WANT.
::Cameraman chases down ASH and HORSE. ASH is de-HORSEd and runs into a coventiently placed windmill.::
ASH: Wow, good thing this windmill was here. But I'm safe no-...
LIGHT: ::shifts::
BOARDS: ::creak::
GEARS: ::turn::
ASH: Awesomecakes.
::spots and smashes a suspicious-looking mirror, unleashing a horde of MINI-ASH, who begin to enact Gremlins::
MINI-ASHES: RAMMING SPEED! ::again, actual line::
ASH: Oh Christ, Sumarian Syphilis moves a lot faster than I thought it would...
::General pintsized fuckery, ASH knocks himself out::
ASH: ::coming to:: Dear Jesus, I swear I will never touch mushrooms again.
MINI-ASHES: Morning, Gulliver! ::makes him... eat one of them?::
::ASH discovers an eye on his shoulder, and realizes exactly how bad a trip can be::
ZAPHODASH: DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, WHY?!
EVIL!ASH: ::is spawned:: Crybaby! ::Riverdances::
ASH: ::shoots him in the face and then does a Leatherface impersonation::
DAMI: ::resolves to never do drugs::
::ASH and HORSE make their way to the graveyard, and find the Necronomicon left on a conventient stone altar. In fact, theres three.::
ASH: One... two... three? Three books! Ah-ah-ah-ah! ::lightning crash:: What, do I just pick one? ::opens BOOK 1::
BOOK 1: WIND TUNNEL! ::sucks ASH in::
ASH: ::battles his way back out:: OKAY, not that one. ::reaches for BOOK 2:
BOOK 2: OM NOM NOM NOM!
ASH: NOT THE FACE! ::throws BOOK 2:: Okay then. BOOK 3... Wait, the words. Right, gotta say... CLOTO! VERATU! ... NNNnnnnnhhh... NAHasklqhdfkgjh! ::thunder rolls:: Good sign... ::grabs BOOK 3::
LIGTHNING: ::flashes::
THUNDER: ::rolls::
DRAMATIC MUSIC: AAAAAAH-AHHHHH!
TOMBSTONES: BLASTIN' OFF NAO!
ASH: Sonuvah-!
::meanwhile at Castle Anthrax::
WISEMAN: ::dodges lightning:: That asshole...
::in the Cemetery::
SKELETON HANDS: ::administer Multiple-Bone-Bitchslap::
ASH: ::hotfoots it outta the Cemetery back onto HORSE:: HI HO SILVER!
::back at the Windmill o' Dubious Safety::
EVIL!ASH: Respawn point!
::ASH makes a triumphant return to Chez Safety::
VILLAGERS: WE'RE SAVED!
ASH: Yeah, awesome, fuck off.
WISEMAN: Did you say the words?
ASH: ... yes...
WISEMAN: Are you fucking with me?
ASH: ... maybe...
WISEMAN: You asshole, you doomed us all.
ASH: Sounds like a personal problem. Send me home.
WISEMAN: Perch and rota-
FANCYPANTS: No, no. Send him home. Let him live with his guilt. Really. Its cool.
ASH: ... yeah. What... he said... ?
VILLAGERS: Sellout.
EMOSLUT: I still believe in thou!
ASH: You're not the brightest crayon in the box, are ya?
EMOSLUT: ::wibble::
::HARPY descends, amidst the screams of the VILLAGERS, swooping up EMOSLUT, who really didn't do much to prevent this turn of events...::
EMOSLUT: ASH, YOU SONUVABITCH, HELP ME!
ASH: FINE! ::flails with sword::
EMOSLUT: MOTHERFUKEEEEERRRR!
::is carried off toOzthe Cemetery, where a skeleton army is earning their Scout Badges for grave desecration under the watchful eye of EVIL!ASH::
EMOSLUT: Oh shit.
EVIL!ASH: Hey, obligatory rape scene!
AUDIENCE: ::cringes::
SAM RAIMI: Hey guys, at least its not trees this time!
::Back at Helms Deep::
SCOUT: Hey, theres an undead army gathering outside, so maybe RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY sounds like a good plan to you?
VILLAGERS: I'm hip!
ASH: ::brandishes boomstick from ominous fog:: Sit the fuck down. We're gonna fight this one out.
FANCYPANTS: What you mean 'we', white man?
ASH: Look, get over yourself, bring Big Red back in here and lets kick some undead ass!
VILLAGERS: ... pft, why not. So whats the plan?
ASH: We blind 'em.
FANCYPANTS: Huh?
ASH: WITH SCIENCE!
THE JOKE: ::makes a whistling noise as it flies over the VILLAGERS's heads::
::ASH goes forth to prove that with shotgun shells, car parts, CHEM 101, Steam-Plant Management for Dummies, and Fangoria Issue #72, you can make 60 men and one Styrofoam castle look like something out of Pirates of the Carribean meets Mulan.::
DEADITE ARMY: ::approaches::
ASH: ... hoshit.
EVIL!ASH: Wheres my book, bitch?
DEADITE SCOUT: In the most obvious place, m'lord.
EVIL!ASH: Awesome. Lets do this!
DEADITE ARMY: LEEEEROOOOOOOOOY JEEEEENKIIIIINS!
VILLAGERS: LOL MODERN TECHNOLOGY! ::hurls bombs::
::both sides continue to hurl shit, which much swearing, running, and the occasional Xena warcry. Don't ask. The DEADITE ARMY busts through the gate, only to meet the HELIOCADILLAC9000, complete with steam whistle and battering ram.::
ASH: Duh-duh-nuh-nah-nuh, duh-duh-nuh-NAH-NUH!
EMOSLUT: ::steps in front of the HELIOCADILLAC9000::
ASH: What the- ::bales out::
HELIOCADILLAC9000: ::explodes::
DEADITES: FOR THE BOOK!
EVIL!EMOSLUT: ::stabs at ASH with a spear::
ASH: AH! SYMBOLISM! ::kicks her into the conveniently opened Pit::
FANCYPANTS: PROTECT THE BOOK! HULK SMASH!
EVIL!ASH: ::slays VILLAGERS::
ASH: ::spears DEADITES::
EVIL!EMOSLUT: ::goes for the eyes::
ASH: NOT THAT INTO YOU. ::spears::
EVIL!ASH: ::goes for the book::
ASH: ::spears:: ::fails::
::a fairly epic sword battle commences which ends with ASH lighting EVIL!ASH on fire and kicking him off the castle wall. Who else senses a degree of slef-loathing?::
FANCYPANTS: PROTECT THE BOOK! LIVE FOR THE SWARM!
EVIL!ASH: ::climbs back up::
ASH: Oh, come on.
::ASH is kicked off the wall, and EVIL!ASH descends to gloat::
EVIL!ASH: Book, check. Destory VILLAGER army, check. Using your blood as syrup on my pancakes? Working on it...
VILLAGER: THE REDS! THE COMMUNE IS APPROACHING! WE'RE SAVED!
USSR: BY THE HAMMER OF THOR!
::slow motion skeleton ownage::
EVIL!ASH: Son of a-
ASH: ::cuts off hand holding the Necronomicon:: Mine. ::cuts rope to the catapult EVIL!ASH is conveniently standing on::
EVIL!ASH: IF YOU KILL ME, TWO MORE WILL TAKE MY PLAAAAAACE! ::explodes::
EMOSLUT: ::wakes up despite spearing:: Oh. Hi.
ASH: I love 80's movie logic.
EMOSLUT: Technically, 1992.
ASH: STFU and kiss me so the audience can recover from the necrophilia thing.
AUDIENCE: ::cringes:: THANKS SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THAT UP AGAIN.
::meanwhile the VILLAGERS and USSR remember that the Treaty of Paris isn't for another couple of millenia::
VILLAGERS and USSR: ::square off::
RED HENRY and FANCYPANTS: ::seem perfectly prepared for yet another pissing contest::
RED HENRY and FANCYPANTS: ::MANLY GLOMPAGE::
VILLAGERS and USSR: HUZZAH!
::celebration commences::
::LATER::
WISEMAN: Right. Well, the good news is, you'll get to your own time. The bad news is, you gotta make like Sleeping Beauty to do it. ::laddels potion::
ASH: This isn't gonna turn out like Romeo and Juliette, right?
WISEMAN: Eh?
ASH: NM. Gimme a kiss, EMOSLUT.
EMOSLUT: Excuse me?
ASH: SHEILAH, sorry.
EMOSLUTSHEILAH: ::kiss::
HORSE: Move your ass, kemosabe, before I leave it here.
::ASH gallops for a cave in which to shack up for six centuries, and caves himself in::
ASH: A 'Do Not Disturb' sign would have been so much easier... Okay, six drops... One, two, three, four, five... ::ADD moment:: Hmm... Where was I? Oh yeah, five, six. six drops! Ah-ah-ah! ::lightning crashes:: ::passes out::
::epic passage of time::
ASH: Alright, Rip Van, lets get a move on...
::finds himself on the set of Resident Evil: Extinction::
ASH: Hmm. Minor miscalculation...
END
ASH: Hey, kids! Remember me? Well, I'm Ash
::dramatic representation::
ASH: SHIIIIIIIT! ::falls from sky along with his friend Sam's car and a random tree::
::lands::
NATIVES ON HORSEBACK: A man! Falling from the sky! Let's get him!
ASH: Aw, fuck me...
::end dramatic representation::
ASH: So, here I am, chained up and whipped along with a whole bunch a other guys that I've never seen before in my life.
BUNCH A OTHER GUYS: Dude, where'd you come from?
LORD FANCYPANTS: Silence! ::cracks whip::
WISEMAN: ::covets the shiny chainsaw::
::enter the Castle So-Not-A-Model-Really::
ASH: Dude, wtf?
ANGRY VILLAGERS: Lets heap abuse, shall we? :kicks, flings stuff, and generally makes the prisoners feel uncomfortable about their current situation:
LADY EMOSLUT: My Lord Fancypants, what hast happened to my brother?
FANCYPANTS: Yeah, your brother. Him. Good guy. Owed me money. Got killed yesterday, real sorry. Here, theres the guys who did it! :points:
EMOSLUT: SONUVABITCH! :heaps further abuse:
ASH: WHY?!
::the prisoners are driven to The Pit::
RED HENRY: Well, shit. Hey, who are you, anyhow?
ASH: Sorry, what? Kinda occupied by the thought of painful death, here.
RED HENRY: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
ASH: Yeah, thats great. I'd call you Fancypants, but Blondie over there has that one covered.
RED HENRY: You started it!
FANCYPANTS: Did not!
RED HENRY: Did too! And we have undead infestations, same as you!
ANGRY VILLAGER 1: Yeah, but you look like the undead!
ANGRY VILLAGER 2: Yeah!
THE REST: YEAH!
FANCYPANTS: And with that impeccable logic, I sentance you to The Pit!
ANGRY VILLAGERS: YAY!
ASH: Jesus.
::an UNLUCKY EXAMPLE is pushed into The Pit::
UNLUCKY EXAMPLE: NOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo- :splash:
ANGRY VILLAGERS: ::lean in::
::FOUNTAIN OF BLOOD!::
ANGRY VILLAGERS: Heavenly God! That was unexpected!
FANCYPANTS: Right. Well. You next.
ASH: You know, thanks, but no.
FANCYPANTS: In you go.
ASH: Hey, I just fell from the sky here, I don't even know these guys!
RED HENRY: You know, he really doesn't-
EMOSLUT: IN THE PIT! ::casts stone::
::ASH falls in a very graceful manner into The Pit. Lots of water and creepy smoke effects.::
ASH: I HATE YOU ALL.
DEAD GUY: RAWR! ::epic breakdancing fight scene::
FANCYPANTS: He's not dying fast enough. Lets add spikes.
::spikes begin to close in as ASH and DEAD GUY are locked in very ripped, tanned, and wet-shirted mortal combat::
WISEMAN: Hey, new guy! Deus Ex Machina! ::tosses down chainsaw::
ASH: WONDERTWIN POWERS, ACTIVATE! ::chainsaws liberally::
::wins and makes with the escaping::
DEAD GUY 2: Lolz, fakeout, bitch!
ASH: Fuck this noise! ::climbs out of The Pit and squares up to FANCYPANTS:: Shoe laces are untied.
FANCYPANTS: Those haven't been invented ye- ::moneyshot to the face::
ASH: WHO ELSE WANTS SOME? ::crickets:: 'S what I thought. Hey, Red Guy. Fuck off.
RED HENRY: Sweet! ::scurries::
FANCYPANTS: Draw ur sword!
ASH: ::shoots sword::
FANCYPANTS: Okay. Right you are, then.
ASH: Listen up! This is mah boomstick! Its sexy and kickass, and you can't have it! And if you piss me off- ::shoots DEAD GUY 2:: I employ my magical reloading powers and pump you fulla holes! Got that?
ANGRY VILLAGERS: ::get it::
::scene change to scantily clad women worshiping Bruce Campbell's bod, because you gotta admit. The man is ripped.::
EMOSLUT: Oh great warrior, when I struck you, I did not realize that thou wer-
ASH: Blow. ::actual line::
WISEMAN: Hey, new guy. Look, the getting you home thing? Its sort of a 'do-it-yourself' kinda deal. We need the Necronomicon, and you gotta go get it.
ASH: Thats not the answer I was looking for.
EVIL WOMAN: You'll never have the Necronomicon, bitchez! ::is boomsticked::
ASH: Quest it is, then.
::brief
ASH: ::finetunes his new Dr. Claw Sumarian Special::
EMOSLUT: Made you a shirt.
ASH: Great, awesome, gtfo.
EMOSLUT: ::slaps him and flounces off::
ASH: '80s movie logic translates this to a comeon!
::cue lovescene::
::The next morning, ASH and a couple other dudes depart on horseback::
WISEMAN: Look, this is as far as we go. You gotta go into a cemetery, and get the Necronomicon.
ASH: Great, okay.
WISEMAN: And then, to save yourself from untold torture and horror, before you pick up the book, you have to say, 'Clotu-'
ASH: READYSETGOSEEYASUCKERS! ::gallops off::
::ASH encounters trademark EVIL TREES::
HORSE: DO NOT WANT.
::Cameraman chases down ASH and HORSE. ASH is de-HORSEd and runs into a coventiently placed windmill.::
ASH: Wow, good thing this windmill was here. But I'm safe no-...
LIGHT: ::shifts::
BOARDS: ::creak::
GEARS: ::turn::
ASH: Awesomecakes.
::spots and smashes a suspicious-looking mirror, unleashing a horde of MINI-ASH, who begin to enact Gremlins::
MINI-ASHES: RAMMING SPEED! ::again, actual line::
ASH: Oh Christ, Sumarian Syphilis moves a lot faster than I thought it would...
::General pintsized fuckery, ASH knocks himself out::
ASH: ::coming to:: Dear Jesus, I swear I will never touch mushrooms again.
MINI-ASHES: Morning, Gulliver! ::makes him... eat one of them?::
::ASH discovers an eye on his shoulder, and realizes exactly how bad a trip can be::
EVIL!ASH: ::is spawned:: Crybaby! ::Riverdances::
ASH: ::shoots him in the face and then does a Leatherface impersonation::
DAMI: ::resolves to never do drugs::
::ASH and HORSE make their way to the graveyard, and find the Necronomicon left on a conventient stone altar. In fact, theres three.::
ASH: One... two... three? Three books! Ah-ah-ah-ah! ::lightning crash:: What, do I just pick one? ::opens BOOK 1::
BOOK 1: WIND TUNNEL! ::sucks ASH in::
ASH: ::battles his way back out:: OKAY, not that one. ::reaches for BOOK 2:
BOOK 2: OM NOM NOM NOM!
ASH: NOT THE FACE! ::throws BOOK 2:: Okay then. BOOK 3... Wait, the words. Right, gotta say... CLOTO! VERATU! ... NNNnnnnnhhh... NAHasklqhdfkgjh! ::thunder rolls:: Good sign... ::grabs BOOK 3::
LIGTHNING: ::flashes::
THUNDER: ::rolls::
DRAMATIC MUSIC: AAAAAAH-AHHHHH!
TOMBSTONES: BLASTIN' OFF NAO!
ASH: Sonuvah-!
::meanwhile at Castle Anthrax::
WISEMAN: ::dodges lightning:: That asshole...
::in the Cemetery::
SKELETON HANDS: ::administer Multiple-Bone-Bitchslap::
ASH: ::hotfoots it outta the Cemetery back onto HORSE:: HI HO SILVER!
::back at the Windmill o' Dubious Safety::
EVIL!ASH: Respawn point!
::ASH makes a triumphant return to Chez Safety::
VILLAGERS: WE'RE SAVED!
ASH: Yeah, awesome, fuck off.
WISEMAN: Did you say the words?
ASH: ... yes...
WISEMAN: Are you fucking with me?
ASH: ... maybe...
WISEMAN: You asshole, you doomed us all.
ASH: Sounds like a personal problem. Send me home.
WISEMAN: Perch and rota-
FANCYPANTS: No, no. Send him home. Let him live with his guilt. Really. Its cool.
ASH: ... yeah. What... he said... ?
VILLAGERS: Sellout.
EMOSLUT: I still believe in thou!
ASH: You're not the brightest crayon in the box, are ya?
EMOSLUT: ::wibble::
::HARPY descends, amidst the screams of the VILLAGERS, swooping up EMOSLUT, who really didn't do much to prevent this turn of events...::
EMOSLUT: ASH, YOU SONUVABITCH, HELP ME!
ASH: FINE! ::flails with sword::
EMOSLUT: MOTHERFUKEEEEERRRR!
::is carried off to
EMOSLUT: Oh shit.
EVIL!ASH: Hey, obligatory rape scene!
AUDIENCE: ::cringes::
SAM RAIMI: Hey guys, at least its not trees this time!
::Back at Helms Deep::
SCOUT: Hey, theres an undead army gathering outside, so maybe RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY sounds like a good plan to you?
VILLAGERS: I'm hip!
ASH: ::brandishes boomstick from ominous fog:: Sit the fuck down. We're gonna fight this one out.
FANCYPANTS: What you mean 'we', white man?
ASH: Look, get over yourself, bring Big Red back in here and lets kick some undead ass!
VILLAGERS: ... pft, why not. So whats the plan?
ASH: We blind 'em.
FANCYPANTS: Huh?
ASH: WITH SCIENCE!
THE JOKE: ::makes a whistling noise as it flies over the VILLAGERS's heads::
::ASH goes forth to prove that with shotgun shells, car parts, CHEM 101, Steam-Plant Management for Dummies, and Fangoria Issue #72, you can make 60 men and one Styrofoam castle look like something out of Pirates of the Carribean meets Mulan.::
DEADITE ARMY: ::approaches::
ASH: ... hoshit.
EVIL!ASH: Wheres my book, bitch?
DEADITE SCOUT: In the most obvious place, m'lord.
EVIL!ASH: Awesome. Lets do this!
DEADITE ARMY: LEEEEROOOOOOOOOY JEEEEENKIIIIINS!
VILLAGERS: LOL MODERN TECHNOLOGY! ::hurls bombs::
::both sides continue to hurl shit, which much swearing, running, and the occasional Xena warcry. Don't ask. The DEADITE ARMY busts through the gate, only to meet the HELIOCADILLAC9000, complete with steam whistle and battering ram.::
ASH: Duh-duh-nuh-nah-nuh, duh-duh-nuh-NAH-NUH!
EMOSLUT: ::steps in front of the HELIOCADILLAC9000::
ASH: What the- ::bales out::
HELIOCADILLAC9000: ::explodes::
DEADITES: FOR THE BOOK!
EVIL!EMOSLUT: ::stabs at ASH with a spear::
ASH: AH! SYMBOLISM! ::kicks her into the conveniently opened Pit::
FANCYPANTS: PROTECT THE BOOK! HULK SMASH!
EVIL!ASH: ::slays VILLAGERS::
ASH: ::spears DEADITES::
EVIL!EMOSLUT: ::goes for the eyes::
ASH: NOT THAT INTO YOU. ::spears::
EVIL!ASH: ::goes for the book::
ASH: ::spears:: ::fails::
::a fairly epic sword battle commences which ends with ASH lighting EVIL!ASH on fire and kicking him off the castle wall. Who else senses a degree of slef-loathing?::
FANCYPANTS: PROTECT THE BOOK! LIVE FOR THE SWARM!
EVIL!ASH: ::climbs back up::
ASH: Oh, come on.
::ASH is kicked off the wall, and EVIL!ASH descends to gloat::
EVIL!ASH: Book, check. Destory VILLAGER army, check. Using your blood as syrup on my pancakes? Working on it...
VILLAGER: THE REDS! THE COMMUNE IS APPROACHING! WE'RE SAVED!
USSR: BY THE HAMMER OF THOR!
::slow motion skeleton ownage::
EVIL!ASH: Son of a-
ASH: ::cuts off hand holding the Necronomicon:: Mine. ::cuts rope to the catapult EVIL!ASH is conveniently standing on::
EVIL!ASH: IF YOU KILL ME, TWO MORE WILL TAKE MY PLAAAAAACE! ::explodes::
EMOSLUT: ::wakes up despite spearing:: Oh. Hi.
ASH: I love 80's movie logic.
EMOSLUT: Technically, 1992.
ASH: STFU and kiss me so the audience can recover from the necrophilia thing.
AUDIENCE: ::cringes:: THANKS SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THAT UP AGAIN.
::meanwhile the VILLAGERS and USSR remember that the Treaty of Paris isn't for another couple of millenia::
VILLAGERS and USSR: ::square off::
RED HENRY and FANCYPANTS: ::seem perfectly prepared for yet another pissing contest::
RED HENRY and FANCYPANTS: ::MANLY GLOMPAGE::
VILLAGERS and USSR: HUZZAH!
::celebration commences::
::LATER::
WISEMAN: Right. Well, the good news is, you'll get to your own time. The bad news is, you gotta make like Sleeping Beauty to do it. ::laddels potion::
ASH: This isn't gonna turn out like Romeo and Juliette, right?
WISEMAN: Eh?
ASH: NM. Gimme a kiss, EMOSLUT.
EMOSLUT: Excuse me?
ASH: SHEILAH, sorry.
HORSE: Move your ass, kemosabe, before I leave it here.
::ASH gallops for a cave in which to shack up for six centuries, and caves himself in::
ASH: A 'Do Not Disturb' sign would have been so much easier... Okay, six drops... One, two, three, four, five... ::ADD moment:: Hmm... Where was I? Oh yeah, five, six. six drops! Ah-ah-ah! ::lightning crashes:: ::passes out::
::epic passage of time::
ASH: Alright, Rip Van, lets get a move on...
::finds himself on the set of Resident Evil: Extinction::
ASH: Hmm. Minor miscalculation...
