put your shirt back on

Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain says, "Don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the big banks, if you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself!"

And that is a fucking quote.

Apparently, 99% of Americans can be wrong. Because it's our fault that we can't send our children to school because they are overcrowded and falling apart. It's our fault that we have to get a mortgage to buy a home and take out a loan to get an education that won't get us a job, anyway. It's our fault that we face down superflus and incurable diseases without the faintest hope of being able to afford health insurance. Unending wars and corrupt corporations and a total failure of our government to take the steps necessary to preserve even the most basic of human needs couldn't have anything to do with it.

You're absolutely right. Our bad.



Dear GOP,

Eat all the dicks.

Love,
The 99%


BUT!
Glenn Beck is running scared from Occupy Wall Street, which just warms the cockles of my anarchistic little heart.

Dear Meme/Blog/Random Funny Stuff Pages,

I like you. I read you because you never fail to make me laugh. Sometimes you even inspire me in constructive and positive ways. And sometimes not.

But please. PLEASE. PLEASE.

STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING SIDEBARS

On one page, alone, I am given not one, not three, but FIVE different sets of links to the same social pages for me to click on should I feel like your content is worth sharing.

THAT IS ABOUT FIVE TIMES TOO MANY.

These sidebars, although stylish looking, are rather graphics heavy and require some time to load, properly, which sometimes delays the download of the actual CONTENT THAT IS THE REASON I AM ON YOUR SITE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

STOP IT. BECAUSE CHANCES ARE, I FOUND YOUR SITE BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS ALREADY SHARED IT.

TAKE A LEAF OUT OF XKCD'S BOOK. DON'T NEST YOUR NETWORKING.

Kthanks.

Sincerely,
Z

So, according to What Should I Read Next?, after reading The Lies of Locke Lamora, I should pick up Interview With a Vampire or Stephanie Meyer's The Host.

Further down the list is Robin Hobb's Farseer Trilogy. For those who don't know, I hate Robin Hobb and that trilogy for every single reason that anyone has ever hated an author, ever, and then some.


Dear What Should I Read Next?:

You're fired.

No love,
Z

Watched Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief last night, and all I can say is that I am downright delighted that all of this faux-Hollywood Greek culture is getting pumped into the mainstream. I love Greek mythology, and always have. So I'm kind of gleeful. And Imma readin the books, as soon as there's a library within reasonable distance.

But the best part of the movie? Logan Lerman grew up pretty. XD


Dear Logan Lerman,

Hurry up and get legal so I can stop feeling like such a creeper.

Thnx,
Z

Blue eyes. Blue eyes blue eyes BLUE EYYYYEEEYEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!

Omg, I am a sucker for blue eyes.

Okay, okay. Crime show. Criminal catches the criminals. I can dig it. However.


Dear Leverage,

Because of you, I now expect criminals, such as the ones in White Collar, to be way more stealthy and Machiavellian than they really are. I keep expecting a new twist.
This is not a bad thing. I can still appreciate things like BLUE EYES. It's just, you know. You left an impression.

Luvs ya!
Z

DEAR MEN,

Please, please, PLEASE find someone else to fixate on. I am not up for grabs, and I don't enjoy feeling like a god damn Barbie doll.

For years, I have tried to figure out why I am so desirable to the opposite sex. It's been going on for longer than even I'm aware of. AND I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

I'm grumpy. I'm crude. I do not bathe on a regular basis. I wear men's clothes that are falling apart.

IF SOMEONE CAN TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT IS SO APPEALING, PLEASE DO SO, SO I CAN TURN IT THE FUCK OFF.

Friends. Strangers. The guy who lived beneath me in my dorm.

STOP THE MADNESS, PEOPLE. Surely, SURELY you can do better than a misogynistic, loud, greasy-haired buck-toothed bitch, you feel me?

God, PORN has got to be more rewarding than fixating on me.


GET A LIFE,
Z


I ONLY WISH THIS WERE HYPERBOLE.

Dear Cousins:

Let's play a game.

It's called "Let's See Who Can Slam The Door The Loudest, Waking Up Our Eldest Cousin Who Just Spent All Day Corralling Us At The Zoo, And See Who She Shoots First From The Top Of The Clock Tower!"

Sound good? GREAT.


NO LOVE,
Z

01. Dear People,

Really? Really?

Lol irl,
Z

02. My laptop is no longer a laptop. It is now more like a really light desktop. Because my battery sucks and no, I cannot afford a new one, are you brain-damaged?

03.


04. Aretha's Hat icons will never stop being funny.

05. Pretty sure I'm going to dye my hair pink. Take that, future employers!

06. If one more person calls this house asking for my blood, I will whip out my cut-a-bitch and cut a bitch.

07. Why, Veronica? Why can't your show be geared to an age where I can appreciate it? I lust for your film noir-y goodness!

08. Pretty sure if I step outside, my insides will boil or something.

09. Haters to the left.

I acknowledge that there is a science to getting a job. You have to get the right store/restaurant at exactly the right place. You have to make a good impression on everyone you encounter in that establishment. You have to be persistent. You have to stand out of the crowd.

Thank you. I get that.

Now let me say this. If one more employed person gives me advice on how to get a job, I will hurt them.

I love it when people tell me 'so and so is hiring'. That kind of insider info makes the difference between employment and not.
I do not love the well-meaning advice, the badgering, the 'oh, you have to keep trying' bullshit. I promise, nay, swear to you that I have heard it all before.

So shut the fuck up.

( Dear SGA- )

Update: Ahahaha, oh Zelenka. ILU. Never change.