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Have you ever been too tired to sleep? Thats me. My eyes are burning so badly right now, and I'm starving and I need to take a shower or stretch and all I can summon the mental energy to do is surf for porn and listen to Tool.
Lemme give you guys an idea of how little sleep I've been getting lately. Yesterday I got up at 4:30am to drive into Pensacola. I drove for three hours, and then walked, jumped, climbed, dodged, ran, fell, danced, and thought until midnight that night. The only reason I slept then was because my temp roomate wasn't feeling well so I couldn't stay up and read. Thats 18 and a half hours of extremely active conciousness.
This morning I got up at 6:19am and did a whole lot of the same until 3:30pm. Then I sucked down rocket fuel and drove three more hours home to walk into a screaming household. I nearly threw up eating and have been in my room, doing the porn/Tool thing (although right this moment, Pandora has served up some Manson. Whatever). Its 2:34am right now. In less than 4 hours, I'll have been awake for 24 hours.
I'm starting to dislike sleep. Because I want to do it in the day, when it is most frowned upon, but also when I'm most tired. After 4pm, I am ready to rock. But this... This is ridiculous.
And I actually have a real concern that probably sounds just as ridiculous. I'm afraid that I'm leaning towards a eating disorder. I'm sure its psychological and all sorts of shit. Bullshit. I know how my stomach felt when I was stressed. I would be starving for hours and then binge eat while I could, because I knew I wouldn't be able to get enough to eat back where I was living. Which leads me to how I realized without any shadow of a doubt that the family I was living with hated me and did not care about me. One day after school, I was starving. And I knew I wouldn't be allowed to eat in the house until dinner, and I knew I wouldn't be allowed to eat my fill of food. So, without saying anything to anyone, I walked ten miles to the McDonalds to get food. And I ate a lot of food. I walked back, and by the time I got back to the house, it was dinnertime. No one said a word about my absence or about the fact that I didn't eat anything while I sat at their table. And I prayed to the evil God they worshipped that I would develop a bleeding ulcer and could vomit blood on their lace table cloth.
Anyway, since then I've had some problems with eating. And I know I'm not stressed anymore. I just can't summon the energy to eat. My stomach grumbles. A lot of times I go to bed hungry. And I don't do anything about it because I almost can't see the point. I know that when I wake up, I won't be able to stomache any kind of food. And then I'll forget about eating, or I may snack vaugly for lunch. And then I'll start being hungry later in the day, with the same apathy towards it. It just becomes something you ignore. And then I'll eat maybe a small portion of dinner. And go to bed on a grumbling stomach. And still don't want to do anything about it.
I don't feel fat. Jesus, I'm thinner than I've ever been, and I know it. But sometimes I'll be eating a candy bar or something and I can swear that I feel my double chin returning. That was what I disliked about my former, pre-French weight. And now its gone. And I'm thrilled. And don't want to eat.
Doesn't sound healthy, does it.
Should probably talk to someone about that.
But first I'll work on sleeping.
Lemme give you guys an idea of how little sleep I've been getting lately. Yesterday I got up at 4:30am to drive into Pensacola. I drove for three hours, and then walked, jumped, climbed, dodged, ran, fell, danced, and thought until midnight that night. The only reason I slept then was because my temp roomate wasn't feeling well so I couldn't stay up and read. Thats 18 and a half hours of extremely active conciousness.
This morning I got up at 6:19am and did a whole lot of the same until 3:30pm. Then I sucked down rocket fuel and drove three more hours home to walk into a screaming household. I nearly threw up eating and have been in my room, doing the porn/Tool thing (although right this moment, Pandora has served up some Manson. Whatever). Its 2:34am right now. In less than 4 hours, I'll have been awake for 24 hours.
I'm starting to dislike sleep. Because I want to do it in the day, when it is most frowned upon, but also when I'm most tired. After 4pm, I am ready to rock. But this... This is ridiculous.
And I actually have a real concern that probably sounds just as ridiculous. I'm afraid that I'm leaning towards a eating disorder. I'm sure its psychological and all sorts of shit. Bullshit. I know how my stomach felt when I was stressed. I would be starving for hours and then binge eat while I could, because I knew I wouldn't be able to get enough to eat back where I was living. Which leads me to how I realized without any shadow of a doubt that the family I was living with hated me and did not care about me. One day after school, I was starving. And I knew I wouldn't be allowed to eat in the house until dinner, and I knew I wouldn't be allowed to eat my fill of food. So, without saying anything to anyone, I walked ten miles to the McDonalds to get food. And I ate a lot of food. I walked back, and by the time I got back to the house, it was dinnertime. No one said a word about my absence or about the fact that I didn't eat anything while I sat at their table. And I prayed to the evil God they worshipped that I would develop a bleeding ulcer and could vomit blood on their lace table cloth.
Anyway, since then I've had some problems with eating. And I know I'm not stressed anymore. I just can't summon the energy to eat. My stomach grumbles. A lot of times I go to bed hungry. And I don't do anything about it because I almost can't see the point. I know that when I wake up, I won't be able to stomache any kind of food. And then I'll forget about eating, or I may snack vaugly for lunch. And then I'll start being hungry later in the day, with the same apathy towards it. It just becomes something you ignore. And then I'll eat maybe a small portion of dinner. And go to bed on a grumbling stomach. And still don't want to do anything about it.
I don't feel fat. Jesus, I'm thinner than I've ever been, and I know it. But sometimes I'll be eating a candy bar or something and I can swear that I feel my double chin returning. That was what I disliked about my former, pre-French weight. And now its gone. And I'm thrilled. And don't want to eat.
Doesn't sound healthy, does it.
Should probably talk to someone about that.
But first I'll work on sleeping.
