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I've been trying to post something here for days, and sometimes fill half a page before just losing steam and erasing it all because I no longer think it note-worthy.
I'm at the age where you stop wishing for anything extraordinary. I'm where you think, "Well, it hasn't happened by now, so it probably aint gonna." Which, if you think about it, is hilarious. I'm 19. Acts of God aside, I've got some road ahead of me.
I read fantasy books and wish they'd happen to me. Or I did. Now, not so much.
Yes, a fantasy book I've read took place not just after this very same thing happened to the heroine, but because it had happened. And after reading it, I just twisted my lips and thought, "Well, yippie-skippy for her, but I got work to do."
Maybe its because I've had my adventure. If living in France for a year isn't adventurous, I don't know what is. And it, quite frankly, sucked. Sure, I grew as a person a lot sooner than my peers, but. It was just real life, in another language. Nothing exciting. Nothing bizarre or amazing. Anything new became a burden, something to be shunned, or just accepted, because you couldn't change anything. There were good moments. A lot of them. But I just did not mesh, and came back to someplace where I'd stopped meshing.
And now I don't expect anything else. It feels like that was it. Thats all the life-altering experience I needed, time to get on with the rest of your life. Go save a tree or something.
And now I'm just apathetic. Its like I can see my entire life stretched out before me, a life filled with, yes, happiness. And predictability, something that we all seem to end up craving. Theres a little voice in my head that rants and raves against this lethargy. But its tiny, and it takes too much energy to feed it. It really is easier to give up and let go.
Sure, things will change. I will eventually get a car, no longer be shackled to this campus. But then comes the additional responsibilities. Jesus, there it is. The difference between my energetic, optimistic high school self with the whole world before her and the me, now.
I did what I swore I'd never do. I knuckled under, and lived up to expectation. God forbid, I grew up. And I don't think I like it.
I don't want to grow up. I don't want to go back, but I want to get past this SLUMP and DO SOMETHING.
Its because I'm tired, right now. Its because this semester is dragging on and on and I am so bored with it I am ready to just give up. Its because its all either too easy or just mind-numbingly dull. Its because I can no longer spontaneously paint trees on my walls, or punch holes in them. Its because I can't just take off and drive, blast my music and find a new part of town. Its because my period started today.
Its because of the season. I think I hate Christmas. The songs, the fake cheer and togetherness. The decorations. The fucking songs. God dammit, Its not even Thanksgiving, and they're pushing Christmas on us, already. And I fucking hate it.
I need change, but I can't do anything right now.
Okay. So maybe I do still wish that one day I'll wake up able to light shit on fire with my mind. Who doesn't?
I'm at the age where you stop wishing for anything extraordinary. I'm where you think, "Well, it hasn't happened by now, so it probably aint gonna." Which, if you think about it, is hilarious. I'm 19. Acts of God aside, I've got some road ahead of me.
I read fantasy books and wish they'd happen to me. Or I did. Now, not so much.
Yes, a fantasy book I've read took place not just after this very same thing happened to the heroine, but because it had happened. And after reading it, I just twisted my lips and thought, "Well, yippie-skippy for her, but I got work to do."
Maybe its because I've had my adventure. If living in France for a year isn't adventurous, I don't know what is. And it, quite frankly, sucked. Sure, I grew as a person a lot sooner than my peers, but. It was just real life, in another language. Nothing exciting. Nothing bizarre or amazing. Anything new became a burden, something to be shunned, or just accepted, because you couldn't change anything. There were good moments. A lot of them. But I just did not mesh, and came back to someplace where I'd stopped meshing.
And now I don't expect anything else. It feels like that was it. Thats all the life-altering experience I needed, time to get on with the rest of your life. Go save a tree or something.
And now I'm just apathetic. Its like I can see my entire life stretched out before me, a life filled with, yes, happiness. And predictability, something that we all seem to end up craving. Theres a little voice in my head that rants and raves against this lethargy. But its tiny, and it takes too much energy to feed it. It really is easier to give up and let go.
Sure, things will change. I will eventually get a car, no longer be shackled to this campus. But then comes the additional responsibilities. Jesus, there it is. The difference between my energetic, optimistic high school self with the whole world before her and the me, now.
I did what I swore I'd never do. I knuckled under, and lived up to expectation. God forbid, I grew up. And I don't think I like it.
I don't want to grow up. I don't want to go back, but I want to get past this SLUMP and DO SOMETHING.
Its because I'm tired, right now. Its because this semester is dragging on and on and I am so bored with it I am ready to just give up. Its because its all either too easy or just mind-numbingly dull. Its because I can no longer spontaneously paint trees on my walls, or punch holes in them. Its because I can't just take off and drive, blast my music and find a new part of town. Its because my period started today.
Its because of the season. I think I hate Christmas. The songs, the fake cheer and togetherness. The decorations. The fucking songs. God dammit, Its not even Thanksgiving, and they're pushing Christmas on us, already. And I fucking hate it.
I need change, but I can't do anything right now.
Okay. So maybe I do still wish that one day I'll wake up able to light shit on fire with my mind. Who doesn't?
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no subject
Date: 2008-11-17 06:41 pm (UTC)From:I had my own little 'adventure' sort of like yours in France. It was neat and cool at first, but when it was over it sort of killed any sort of fantasy expectation. Now I just really don't care.
Then there's the whole 'growing up' thing. I'm still in high school. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. The problem is, I'd rather stay at home, barely managing to turn in enough stuff to not get dropped from the classes, than finish it and face the unknown of things past high school. The idea of a job scares me to death.
Ugh. Life sucks, and all that. Not that I have any right to complain, but who needs to have the right to bitch to do it anyway?
Also, yeah. Fucking Christmas songs. Goddamn Walmart here starting playing Christmas music the DAY after Halloween. I'm going to stab someone.
no subject
Date: 2008-11-17 10:27 pm (UTC)From:And I really think that Christmas needs to get stolen, this year. That would rock.
I need a Grinch icon.
Dude.
Date: 2008-11-18 12:37 am (UTC)From:I suggest we all road trip to go see the dinosaur civil-war thing. I'm pretty sure they don't frown upon people pretending to be pterodactyls there. :}
Re: Dude.
Date: 2008-11-18 01:28 am (UTC)From:Re: Dude.
Date: 2008-11-18 03:27 pm (UTC)From:Stranger
Date: 2008-11-18 03:07 am (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Sincerely,
Stranger
P.S. Hang in there peeps. Life is still good, trust me.