put your shirt back on

Soooo, this is where I'm going, next time I win the lottery and can afford shit.

w00tstock, man. HELL yeah.

I just scandalized my sister in Walgreens by pointing out that if you crouch down to, say, investigate the various types of condoms and 'personal massagers' they have in stock in the Feminine Hygiene section, you are out of sight of all the cameras and that enormous mirror they set up in the back.

Now, I didn't DO anything with this knowledge, because I'm pretty sure that there is some corporate nutjob out there who is just as deviant as me and has at least one of the many domed ceiling cameras pointed at said mirror for that exact reason.

But then again, I have my paranoia level set to 'DEFCON 1984' at all times, so maybe not. Anyway. The point is, my sister now suspects me of anarchistic tendencies beyond her wildest imaginings.

And I'm like, "What, so you don't walk into a store and immediately scope out all of the cameras?"

She was like, "No. That's what criminals do."

"I'm not a criminal! They can't prove anything!"

"And that? Is what criminals say."

"... you're adopted."

And so on.

GUESS WHAT. GUESS WHAT.

I'LL TELL YOU, THAT'S WHAT.

So, we were driving on I10. And the car, right? The car was bouncing around like it was a bad road or something. And it bouncing for more than four hours. On the interstate.
At first we thought it was an alignment problem, and we'd just have to tough it out to Vicksburg, because it was a Sunday night. But it got worse and worse, and the car started to drift something horrible. It got to the point where our fillings were rattling. So we stop and kick the tires and swear at it.

And then we turn the wheel to see the other side of the tire.

And good holy Jesus, it looked like the tire was doing the wave. It was bulging and waving and splitting along one side, and that thing was a ticking time bomb.

In desperation, we limped across the road to a Walmart Super Center to the Tire Center, praying that it was still open.

They were. Kind of.

These Alabama boys took one look at our tire, and a second at the car full of women who'd been driving for five hundred miles on that tire, and scooted our car right on into the shop.

In all honesty, it was an emergency situation. We were four hours away from both home and our destination, and there was no way we could go any further on that tire. But had we been male, they would have told us, "Sorry. Come back tomorrow."

But we were women-folk, and stranded. And they had to be able to look their mamas in the face when they went home for the holidays.

So they helped us out, fitted a new tire, re-adjusted the alignment, and sent us on our merry.
And God, what a difference it made. Smooth ride, all the way to Vicksburg.

The moral of this story is something I'd never thought I'd say, and that's thank God for Walmart.


(also, we strapped the tire to the top of our car so we can show it to the shop where we got it from and point to it and go, "You bet your ass this was still under warranty.")

I GIVE YOU CHUCK NORRIS JOKES!

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
(Yes. Yes they did.)

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE IT.

One does not simple walk into WalMart.

There is an evil there that does not sleep.


But seriously, leaving for mountains tomorrow. No more internets. :(